SCIENCE FICTION:
LIPS: And he told us where we stand...
- On our feet
LIPS: Claude Rains was the Invisible Man...
- Who's Claude Rains?
LIPS: They got caught in a cellulold jam...
- Yeah Jam!
LIPS: It came from...
- Where
LIPS: Outer space...
- Thank you
LIPS: I saw that Leo G. Carrol...
- Was fucking a barrel
LIPS: When Tarantula took the hills...
- Lick it!
LIPS: And I really got hot when I saw...
- Janet's twat
LIPS: That spits poison and kills...
- Yeah, kills
LIPS: But when worlds collide...
-Boom
LIPS: I'm gonna give ya...
- Some joints and some pills
LIPS: Like a...
- Like what
LIPS: In the back row...
- Fuck the back row

CHURCH SCENE:
RALPH: Betty's gonna throw the bouquet...
- Hey Janet,do you have syph?
RALPH: Hey, big fellow...
- How would you know?
RALPH: See ya, Brad...
- See ya sucker
RALPH: Come on Betty, hop in...
- Think about it asshole...Wait til tonight, she got hers, now he'll get his
JANET: Now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt...
- Hapshit...
BRAD: Ralph's a lucky guy...
- No he's not. She's got syph.
WOMAN: I always cry at weddings...
- So do I, honey
BRAD: Betty's a wonderful little cook..
- She's the hottest baked potato in Denton...yeah Denton! The home of happiness.
BRAD: A promotion in a year or two...
- If he doesn't get busted first
BRAD: Hey Janet...
- Sit on my face and wiggle...
BRAD: I've got something to say...
- Say it
BRAD: I really love the...
- Starts with an "S".
Sku..Sku..Sku..Sku..
BRAD: Skillful way...
- What a fuckin' genius
BRAD: You beat the other girls...
- With whips and chains
BRAD: To the bridal bouquet...
- And that too
BRAD: There's three ways that love can grow...
- Sex, drugs and rock and roll
BRAD: That's...
-Gay, straight and mediocre
BRAD: Oh J-A-N-E-T...
- I want a blow
JANET: I'm so glad that you...
- Fuck Mom and you blow Dad
JANET: Oh, Brad...
- Oh, shit
JANET: I'm mad...
- Oh, shit
BRAD: Made me...
- Piss in my pants and then panic
JANET: Oh, Brad...
- You fag...I love you.

CRIMINOLOGIST'S OFFICE:
CRIM: I would like...
- You would, would you?
CRIM: If I may...
- You may
CRIM: To take you...
- Where?
CRIM: On a strange journey...
- How strange was it? It was so strange they made a movie about it; not the book, the movie.
CRIM: It was a fairly ordinary night...
- Ordinary?
CRIM: When Brad Majors...
- Asshole
CRIM: And his Fiancee...
- Slut
CRIM: Janet Weiss
- Veisss!
CRIM: Two young healthy kids...
- Healthy?
CRIM: Now friend to both of them...
- Is it true that you're constipated?
CRIM: There were dark storm clouds...
- Describe your balls.
CRIM: They were driving...
- Is it true you're also gay?
CRIM: Badly in need of some air...
- So's your fuckin' neck
CRIM: Normal kids
- Normal?
CRIM: Spoil the events of the evening...
- Certainly not
CRIM: On a night out...
- Come a little bit closer, Chuckie
CRIM: They were going to remember..
- For how long?
CRIM: A very long time...
- What a fuckin' drip

CAR SCENE:
NIXON: I have never been a quitter...
- Bullshit
NIXON: To every instinct in my body
- You call that a body?
NIXON: But as president...
- You call that a president?
NIXON: The Interest of America first...
- What does America need, Dick?
NIXON: Needs a full-time President...
- What else?
BRAD: To that type...
- Yeah! That type!
JANET: What's the matter Brad?
- Make a sound like a cow?
BRAD: A few miles back...
- Asshole
BRAD: Just have to turn back...
- Look out!
JANET: What was the bang?
- A gang bang
BRAD: That spare tire fixed...
- Asshole
JANET: In the middle of nowhere...
- What's white and sells hamburgers?
JANET: I'm coming with you...
- That'll be a first
JANET: Might be a beautiful woman...
- He is!
JANET: Never come back again...
- You should be so lucky!
JANET: Burning bright...
- What's up your ass?
JANET: There's a guiding star...
- That must hurt

CRIMINOLOGIST'S OFFICE:
CRIM: That their plight required...
- Are you sure?
CRIM: Or had they?
- Nyah-ha-ha

CASTLE:
BRAD: Hi, my name is Brad Majors...
- Asshole
BRAD: My fiancee, Janet Weiss...
- Veiss!!
BRAD: You have a phone we might use...
- Look between Janet's legs
JANET: Yes, it's raining
- No shit, Sherlock - are you an asshole, Brad?
BRAD: Yes...
- Are you on drugs, Riff?
RIFF: Perhaps you better both...
- Get lost
RIFF: Come inside...
- I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up.
BRAD: Hunting lodge for rich weirdos...
- Yeah, rich weirdos...Hey Riff, which way?
RIFF: This way...
- Follow the Bouncing Thumb
JANET: Are you having a party?
- No, it's my sister's Bas Mitzvah
RIFF: It's one of the masters affairs
- Which one?
RIFF: I've got to...
- Smoke a bowl
RIFF: I remember doing the Time Warp...
- 1, 2
MAGENTA: Into the time slip...
- Work that bird
JANET: Say something...
- Say something stupid
BRAD: How to do the Madison...
- I do the rock myself, I do the swim
BRAD: In a bit of a hurry...
- Left
JANET: Right
- Left
BRAD: We don't want to be any worry
- (simultaneously) We both want to fuck Tim Curry
FRANK: Stay for the night...
- Night!
FRANK: Maybe a bite...
- Bite
FRANK: My favorite obsession...
- Sex
FRANK: I've been making a man...
- You call that a man
FRANK: Good for relieving my...
- Sexual
FRANK: So...
- What
FRANK: Come up to the lab...
- And fuck me on the stab
FRANK: With antici...
- Say it, Consta...
FRANK: So I'll remove...
- Your clothes. But what about those nasty symptoms?
COLUMBIA: Too nice a job to rush...
- Yeah, rush!
BRAD: My name is Brad Majors...
- Asshole
BRAD: Janet Weiss...
- Veiss...Hey Brad, how do you spell urinate?
COLUMBIA: Right arm for the privilege...
- Or their left tit.
MAGENTA: The master does not like to be kept waiting.
- What do you do to an uncomfortable cock? (pause) Drop it! Thank you!
RIFF: We are simply his...
- Slaves

LABORATORY SCENE:
FRANK: Magenta...
- Where do you get your pot?
FRANK: Go and assist...
- Woof woof
BRAD: Brad Majors...
- Asshole
BRAD: My fiancee, Janet Veiss...
- Weiss!
BRAD: Weiss...
- Frank, do you speak French?
FRANK: It'll make you feel less...
- Naked...
FRANK: Offer them...
- Horse brutality
BRAD: Ungrateful!
- Superman!
FRANK: Perfect specimen of manhood, so...
- Big
FRANK: Proud of him Janet...
- Hey Janet, are you a slut?
RIFF: Merely await your word...
- (Pause) - Hey Frank, when's the orgy?
FRANK: An accident to make it happen...
- A what?
FRANK: That elusive ingredient...
- Who«s your favorite character on Star Trek ?
FRANK: Breath of life...
- Are you going to fuck everyone in the audience tonight?
FRANK: Yes...
- Do you know about gay sex?
FRANK: I have that knowledge...
- What do you hold under your arm?
FRANK: I hold the secret...
- To life?
FRANK: To life...
- Itself?
FRANK: Destined to be...
- Fucked!
FRANK: OK?
- Hey Frank, how do you kill roaches?
FRANK: Do better than that...
- Why don«t you ask Brad and Janet?
FRANK: What do you think of him?
- Lie, Janet
JANET: With too many muscles...
- Just one big one
FRANK: Make his glisten...
- What's your favorite toothpaste?
FRANK: Snatch, clean and jerk..
- Off
FRANK: One from the vaults...
- A greaser from the freezer, a bat out of hell
FRANK: Oh Baby!
- I'm upset
FRANK: It was a mercy killing...
- Mercy, mercy, mercy
FRANK: Make me...
- Ooh! Dance with a midget.
FRANK: Take Charles Atlas by the...
- Balls
FRANK: In just seven days...
- That's a week
FRANK: Just Dynamic Tension...
- Sing it bitch

CRIMINOLOGIST'S OFFICE:
CRIM: Life is an illusion...
- Like your neck
CRIM: Figment of our imagination...
- Like your neck
CRIM: Somber Bridal...
- Sweeeeet!
CRIM: A feeling which...
- Greeeew! Unlike your neck.

JANET'S BEDROOM:
JANET: Come in...
- And out and in again
FRANK: Why, nothing...
- Yet!
FRANK: All bad, is it...
- It isn't all Brad either
FRANK: Not all spent yet...
- For a nickel I will
FRANK: Cross my heart and hope to die...
- Stick a Dildoe in my eye

BRAD'S BEDROOM:
BRAD: What have you done with Janet?
- Fucked the shit out of her
BRAD: Never, Never...
- Never, Never
BRAD: I thought it was the real thing...
- It is!
FRANK: Giving yourself over to pleasure...
- It is in New Jersey
FRANK: Coming!
- So is Brad!

LABORATORY:
JANET: Oh, Brad...
- Oh, Janet
JANET: Brad, my darling
- Janet, my fish
JANET: How could I have done this to you...
- It was easy. But it would have been easier without the pantyhose
JANET: It only we hadn't made this journey...
- But you did
JANET: If only the car hadn't broken down...
- But it did
JANET: If only we were amongst friends...
- But you aren't
JANET: Or same persons...
- Two out of three ain't bad
ROCKY: (Crying)
- Leave him alone, he's monsterbating
JANET: Did they do this to you...
- They sure did! Those snivelling shits
JANET: Dress your wounds...
- And undress mine
JANET: Baby there...
- That's no baby Janet. 1, 2, 3, Hey Janet, you wanna fuck?

CRIMINOLOGIST'S OFFICE:
CRIM: Mental state...
- And you can only read about it, Shitlips
CRIM: A highly and irrational...
- Mouthwash
CRIM: Janet was indeed...
- A nymphomaniac

LABORATORY:
JANET: I was feeling done in...
- And pushed up
JANET: Couln't win
- Like the mets
JANET: I only ever kissed before...
- What a crock of shit
JANET: I thought there's no use getting...
- Laid
JANET: And seat wetting...
- Yeah! Wet seats!
JANET: And I want more...
- More, more, more
JANET: And rub you down...
- Down, down, down
RIFF: Master, we have a visitor...
- What does Captain Kirk say to his Chief Egineer?
BRAD: Happens to be a frind of mine...
- What's your favorite fruit drink?
FRANK: You came here on...
- A porpoise!
BRAD: I was feeling...
- A lie
RIFF: The intruder has entered the building, master...
- Where could he be?
FRANK: In the Zen Room!
- Not the Zen Room!
FRANK: In person...
- Oh, no, not the Triple Contact Electro Magnet
SCOTT: Frank N Further...
- Mit Kraut!
SCOTT: We meet at last...
- No, meet at first
SCOTT: Brad, what are you doing here?
- Oh, just fucking around
FRANK: What Brad Majors is doing here...
- Getting good head
FRANK: I know Brad is...
- You promised you wouldn't tell
SCOTT: To find Eddie...
- Sweatty!
FRANK: What do you know of Eddie, Dr.Scott?
- Get concerted
SCOTT: Eddie happens to be...
- My dinner!
MAGENTA: Master, dinner is prepared...
- And we helped! What do you think of oral sex?
FRANK: Formal dress is to be optional...
- Toga! Toga! Toga!

DINNER TABLE:
FRANK: A toast...
- To cannibalism
FRANK: Happy birthday to you...
- Woo!
FRANK: Shall we?
- Hey Riff, deal me a slice
FRANK: Another slice, anyone?
- And you took the food right out of my mouth, oh it must have been while you were chewing me .
FRANK: Dr.Scott...
- Janet , Brad, Rocky, uhhh!
SCOTT: From the day he was born...
- Not the night, but the day
SCOTT: He was trouble..
- Not monopoly, but trouble
SCOTT: He was the thorn...
- Not the rose, but the thorn
SCOTT: In his Mother's side...
- Not the back, but the side
SCOTT: She tried in vain...
- Not the artery, but the vein
SCOTT: Nothing but shame...
-Shame, shame, shame
SCOTT: He left home the day she died...
- It's Rockin' Scott
CRIM: Low down cheap little punk...
- Yeah, punk!
SCOTT: But he must have been drawn...
- Shoo-Bop, Shoo-Bop, Bop
SCOTT: In a note which reads...
- What's it say, what's it say?

LABORATORY:
BRAD: You mean...
- A vibrator
CRIM: And then she cried out...
- More! More! More!
JANET: You're a hot dog!
- Who's Tim Curry?
COLUMBIA: I loved you...
- What did you say?
FRANK: Not easy having a good time...
- Try Disneyworld
FRANK: And you shall receive it in abundance...
- What tastes good on cornflakes?

CRIMINOLOGIST'S OFFICE:
CRIM: Brand and Janet had both tasted...
-Frank's cock
CRIM: Forbidden fruit...
- Yeah! Frank's cock!
CRIM: Of little morals...
- Yeah! Little morals!
CRIM: And some persuasion...
- Yeah! Persuasion!
CRIM: And what of the Floor Show...
- Yeah! Floor Show
CRIM: What indeed...
- Where do you masturbate?
CRIM: In an empty house...
- When do you masturbate?
CRIM: In the middle of the night...
- The rates are cheaper
CRIM: Crazed imagination
- Yeah! Drabolical plan that seized Frank's crazed imagination.
CRIM: That this was going to be...
- A picnic?
CRIM: No picnic...
- Oh shit! And I brought the ants!

FLOOR SHOW / FINALE:
COLUMBIA: The only thing that gives me hope...
- Is smoking dope
COLUMBIA: My love of a certain dope...
- Yeah! Dope!
ROCKY: I am just seven hours old...
- And can't dance
ROCKY: The only thing I've come to trust...
- Is Janet's bust
ROCKY: Rush or lust...
- Yeah! Rush!
FRANK: Whatever happened to Eay Wray?
- She went apeshit!
FRANK: As it clung to her thigh...
- What? The apeshit?
FRANK: How I started to cry...
- I'd cry too, if I had apeshit on my thigh
FRANK: I wanted to be dressed just the same...
- So did I, honey
SCOTT: We've got to get...
- The fuck
SCOTT: My mind may snap...
- Crackle and pop
SCOTT: My life will be lived...
- OK! America, show us your underalls
JANET: God bless Lili St. Cyr...
- Hey Frank, whose pool is it?
FRANK: Wait...
- Can you explain?
FRANK: I can explain...
- This better be good, you got shot the last time
FRANK: I want to come again...
- So does Brad!
MAGENTA: How sentimental...
- You bitch
SCOTT: Society must be protected...
- Fuck society!
RIFF: Say goodbye to all of this...
- Goodbye, to all of this
RIFF: And Hello...
- Hello
RIFF: To oblivion...
- Hi oblivion, how's the wife and kids? (pause) First one to scream gets it right between the tits
MAGENTA: They liked you...
- Get paranoid, Riff
SCOTT: You did right...
- Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch
SCOTT: You OK by me...
- Na Nu, Na Nu
RIFF: I'm sorry about your...
- Dinner?
SCOTT: Eddie?
- No, Penelope. What should they do?
RIFF: Go...
- When?
RIFF: My most...
- Ugly Q tip
MAGENTA: Ah, sweet transexual...
- You called
MAGENTA: Land of night...
- And high electric bills
MAGENTA: To take that...
- Start with an "S" Stu Stu